I waited for Jesus to finish eating, then I asked-
“Will we go to Nazareth from here?”
“I think not. It would serve no purpose”.
“But you could visit your mother. It would comfort her to see you again, and your brothers would be pleased to see you, surely?”
Jesus paused before answering-
“My mother, my brothers, my sisters see me every day”. I must have looked puzzled, for he went on- “My family are here, Judas”, and he stretched out his arms to indicate the company. “Those who love me, and listen to my words, not only with their ears but with their hearts, they are my mother, my brothers, my sisters and my children; the sheep in my fold, the flowers in my garden, the fruit on my vines”.
This vexed me somewhat because although I understood it perfectly, Jesus had evaded my question, and so I exploded-
“All right, but while you are playing son, father, brother and gardener up here in the mountains, there is, not five miles from here, a woman, not young, a widow, and mother of a failed carpenter, an itinerant preacher, and like all mothers, nothing would give her greater pleasure than to see her first-born son, after so long an absence. Now why will you not walk five miles to give her that pleasure?”
“Calm yourself, Judas, calm yourself. First, you remember the manner of my leaving Nazareth? If I were to return, in Nazareth’s eyes I would be, as you so succinctly put it, a failed carpenter, itinerant preacher, and though my visit would give pleasure to those whom I love, later they would pay for it dearly in derision and mockery, after I had left. The comfort would be a small, transient thing and would weigh little against the sadness which would follow, and against the heaviness which is on me, on some of you too. You must try to understand that God works on a much larger scale than that encompassed by a mortal in his short span of days”.
In this last, Jesus had risen and led me a little away from the others, which did not displease me, because my outburst had drawn not a few questioning glances, and I was relieved to remove my embarrassment from the firelight’s glow. Jesus continued-
“You of all people, Judas, must keep foremost in your mind, the essence of God’s scale of things. We are working not to benefit an occupied country or a broken people. We are working for the benefit of a world without end. Our words and deeds will be a drop in the ocean- worthless, if they do not endure beyond our own years. I beg you, Judas, to think on this constantly”.
I was rather alarmed by the earnestness, almost a desperation, in Jesus’ voice, so I answered-
“Yes, I can see that we act for the good of others to come after us, but as when you have spoken on this theme before, you seem to dwell on a particular significance for me, a significance on which you do not elaborate. What are you with-holding?”
“Little by little, Judas. When you are ready, you will know. Possibly I will not need to tell you. I am not yet fully clear in my own mind down to the last particular, and so it would seem that perhaps I am not ready either.
I will tell you this, Judas. We have a very heavy task laid on us, you and I, and even though we accomplish it, it may break us in the very accomplishment. But we must take comfort in the knowledge that our Father requires it of us, and we cannot but accept his purpose and will. If he requires it, then it is necessary; if he asks it, then it is just and right; if he asks it of us then we are capable, because he will not choose wrong. Do you love me, Judas?”
This took me unawares, puzzled as I was by these ominous utterances, and after gathering my thoughts, I answered, simply- “Yes- but you do not make it easy for me, when you beat my senses with mystery on mystery”.
“Poor Judas. You are like a young vine sapling in the sun. Too little water and it will die, but too much will kill it just as surely. You thirst for knowledge and understanding, and I must give you not too little and not too much. But you will bear fruit, Judas, though it may well be bitter to the taste, it will be what the Father requires of you”.
To my shame, I retorted-
“Sometimes I think you make fun of me”.
“No, Judas, no! You are as vital to God’s will as I am. I cannot work without you. I know how frustrated you must be at not yet being able to know what is required of you, but I can at least tell you this- I will bear the pain while you will bear the blame. Now do not ask me any more than I can yet see, but let me repeat- cling to the thought that God works on a far greater scale than man, and however low you stoop, it is because he requires it of you”.
“The more I press you, the more your words are charged with foreboding”.
“Then comfort yourself with this thought, Judas- to be an instrument of God, however low and menial, to be his instrument is a blessing and an honour to be praised by all his angels until time ends”.
We stood in silence for a moment, then I asked-
“If we go not to Nazareth, whither go we?”
“For the moment go you back to the camp fire and sleep. I must go a little way up the mountain to speak with my Father”. Seeing my anxiety, he added “I will return at dawn”.
And return he did- to announce the names of the chosen twelve to be his closest disciples and constant companions while he remained among us, and to continue his work after his time here was finished.